The Struggle is Real, Episode 1

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2017 by Jeans

Isvara here, Isvara there, everywhere-a Isvara

Posted in Uncategorized on June 3, 2016 by Jeans

My second sutra came to me just as I was thinking about how to talk about om and sell it more to my coworkers when I teach them because I had been feeling like they are not really “into” the om-ing when we begin our weekly classes.

Om just makes a lot of sense to me and when I read 1.27 and 1.28 in Patanjali’s Sutra book, it started to make even more sense to me.  Om IS the sound of EVERYTHING in which it represents Isvara, the Divine, which can be found in EVERYTHING.  I love this idea.

It is the energy, the vibration, the life, the Divine.  And like I already mentioned, it’s the sound of everything.  Whether living or dead and inanimate.

I took this to mean that we have to see the good in everything and everyone and appreciate it.  Recognize the Divine and love it in everything and everyone.

But really, what’s in a ritual?

Posted in Uncategorized on April 26, 2016 by Jeans

I had no idea what to write about rituals, in all honesty.  This is why it’s taken me so long to post about it.

But after having thought about it all these weeks I started to realize that I tend to ritualize a lot of my life in a lot of how I live.

For example, my mornings.  I get out of bed.  I turn on the lamp.  I make my bed.  I go to the restroom.  I turn on the stove to boil water for my coffee.  I roll out my yoga mat and do some asanas.  I go make my coffee.  I “get ready.”  And that is literally my morning ritual.

And sure, that seems to be normal for most people.  But when I thought about this more, I realized I have rituals for all the little things in my life.  I realized I have this need to “processize” my life.  So that I have routine.  So that I can feel like I have control of at least something in my life because I just don’t know where my life will be in the next month, three months, 12 months, 60 months.

When I walk to the subway, I basically always take the same route.  I take out my wallet at the same block I always do and have my metrocard ready.  I walk into the same entrance, swipe my metrocard at the same stall, I walk to the exact same spot on the subway platform every morning.

Folks, it doesn’t end there.  I get to work, I clock in, I have the same breakfast.  When I travel, I have a ritual.  As soon as I go through the security, I get a cup of coffee and some reading material, and I like to sit at the gate and sip my coffee and pretend I’m reading when I’m really trying to soothe my anxiety before flying by people watching.

But really, what’s in a ritual?  I started thinking about why I do this to myself and why I need it.  Then, I thought about what happens when I don’t do these rituals to a tee.  What am I thinking and what does it do to me when I don’t follow my ritual?

I started to think about viveka.  About being about to recognize and discern the difference in routine, embrace it, and tell myself that it is ok.  Tell myself that I am still me if I don’t do my little rituals and that life will be ok if I stray from it from time to time.  While I love being able to build these little rituals for myself and there is something soothing about it, I think it’s important to be able to allow yourself to step outside of it and do something different.

This is Me.

Posted in Uncategorized on February 20, 2016 by Jeans

Since my presentation on January 10 about viveka, I have thinking about my life’s journey and where I am today.

I told you about my epiphanies where I really used the concept of viveka and determining why I was feeling angry about some things and what it really is that was causing me to be so angry and, most of all, angry with myself.

Something in Patanjali’s book really struck me:

“The real discrimination is to tell the original basic Truth from the ever-changing name and forms It assumes.  If we could remember that basic Truth, we would never face disappointment nor get upset over the changes in the forms and names.  Our minds would remain steady.  It is for this understanding that we say the prayer, “Lead us from unreal to real, from darkness to light, from death to immortality.”

I am constantly reminding myself of that basic Truth.  I’ve been through a few different careers, many different relationships, a lot of different life experiences and many, many birthdays.  I remind myself that my experiences are my experiences and they don’t define me.  While they influence me and who and how I am, I am still Me.  This is Me.

I am approaching a big birthday and my thoughts are mostly consumed by comparing myself to others and thinking about what I have been doing with my life an how time as flown by so quickly in a blink of an eye.  But I continue to remind myself that I am Me and This is Me and I want to be the best self that I can be.

So, as Dana taught us, I hold my middle finger to the sky and say, “This is Me.”

I will try to be the best Me that I can be.


Posted in Uncategorized on January 4, 2014 by Jeans

Happy New Year!

It’s been a while since my last entry and I’m sorry for it.  There’s been some haps with HC, but it will take a bit of time to write it all out so I thought I’d entertain you with a little story, which is not exactly a date but in the context of the singles scene, while I bide time to write about HC.

So, as you may or may not have caught on, I do subscribe to an Internet site, which is another venue for meeting people.  I’ve told you how I met some people and not how I’ve met others.  I think you get the drift.

Said site will have “events” that their subscribers can go to, to mingle with other “single” people.  The actual events vary from apple picking and wine tasting to just mingling at a bar.  One day, my good friend, CeCe, and I decided to try out an event — particularly a bar event.

In true NYC fashion, we made a conscious decision to arrive at the bar about an hour after the event’s official start time.

As CeCe and I were walking in, a shorter Asian man watched us walk by and said, “Aw man, why am I leaving now?”

I didn’t hear it, but CeCe told me what he said later.

Immediately after we walked in, we took a look around both wanted to immediately leave.  CeCe didn’t tell me that she did but I know we both felt it, unspoken.

We made a bee line to the bar and ordered up a couple of the drink specials: lychee martinis.

I’m not sure how the whole sign-up thing works for these events, but it sure seemed like no one was invited who were our “type” and seeing that it was slim pickins, we unanimously decided we needed to check out the upstairs.  The lychee martini never tasted so good and didn’t last more than two minutes.

CeCe and I walked upstairs and into the middle of the open space and immediately RAV4 latched onto us.  And when I say he “latched” on, he might as well have tied leashes to collars around our necks because we never left his sight or side the rest of the night.  He wouldn’t let us.  We had been completely monopolized by RAV4.

We had the usual small talk at first.  It was just RAV4, CeCe, and I talking in a circle.

Then things got a little awkward.

RAV4:  So did you two come together?  [Raises eyebrow]

I think we both furrowed our eyebrows back at him.  Not wanting to acknowledge what he was implying.

RAV4:  You know, guys are normally really into that thing.  You know, watching two women,. . . but I’m not.  I mean, if someone wanted me to watch with her, then I would do that for her, but I’m not really into that “two-women thing.”  Blah blah blah.

I think there was a long moment of awkward silence because both CeCe and I truly did not know what to say.

I broke the silence and said something like “I can’t believe you’re talking about such a thing with us right now when we just met you, like two seconds ago,” teasingly, of course.

We all sort of laughed it off and talked about other normal things but somehow the conversation turned into him talking about going to strip clubs and not really enjoying that, either.  Neither CeCe nor I asked anything  about those things or even brought up the subjects.  Completely voluntary information on RAV4’s part.

But, the weird thing is, as we were talking it slowly came out that he was a divorcee and had two small children with physical disabilities at home and talked about how much he loved them despite it being such a challenge, which, I thought, was very endearing about him, all of his babblings about women-on-women and strip clubs aside.

After a lot of him talking about nothing much, I made a hint that we needed another drink and tried to duck away to the bar but RAV4 came with and offered to buy.  I guess I couldn’t object to that.

I think we downed another martini and ordered another.  All three of us.  And all I could think about was that Crif Dogs was not too far away and CeCe and I could escape out of there, hop in a taxi, and enjoy a bacon-wrapped hot dog topped with coleslaw and jalapeno relish along with chili cheese fries.

So we told RAV4 that we were going to head out to grab something to eat.  He offered to drive us there.  Again, how could we object?  Sometimes having a normal car ride in the City is a nice thing.

On our way out, CeCe had to run to the restroom so I had to babysit RAV4.  All along, I knew he was into CeCe and plus, I was taller than him.  As CeCe was in the restroom, RAV4 went on and on about how cute he thought CeCe is and this and that and said, “I mean, no offense, I think you are wonderful too, but. . . ” and I really don’t remember what else he said, but no offense was taken, at all.  So I told him what a wonderful friend CeCe is and what a great mom she is and this and that — all sincere things because she is my good friend and I think the world of her.

At one point (I don’t remember when), as RAV4 was realizing we were going to have to hop in his car since he offered us a ride, he started to explain that his “usual” car is in the shop.  And since that BMW X5 is in the shop, they gave him a loaner, which is a Toyota RAV4 and to please forgive him for not having his usual car.

We clambered into his car, he reminded us again that he usually drives a BMW X5.

On the way to Crif Dogs, he revealed to us that he is 51-years-old.  We were sincerely shocked because he looks around 40, maybe, but it’s hard to tell when someone has orangey, leathery skin.

We got to Crif Dogs and he chivalrously dropped us off and went to park.  During that time, CeCe and I went in and ordered for both us and him.  The least I could do was buy him a bacon-wrapped hot dog and chili cheese fries for the ride and drinks he treated us to, although it was a ride in a Toyota RAV4 and not a BMW X5 (I’m only joking about that last bit – I am not that materialistic).

All CeCe and I wanted to do was stuff our faces full and head home, but it was all conversation with RAV4, “Man, I am so glad I met you two tonight — I am having so much fun with you. . . ”  Blah, blah, blah.

After we were finished eating, I offered to take a taxi home so RAV4 could take CeCe home and have some one-on-one time her.  CeCe wasn’t having none of that, which I knew she wouldn’t (Hahahahaha).  As we were walking out, she took my arm and said under her breath to me, “I am not getting a ride from him, I am going home in a taxi with you.”   She said this multiple times.

We stood outside on the sidewalk and said our goodbyes.  Then, RAV4 asked CeCe for her number as I was standing next to them looking up at the trees, down at the sidewalk, and all around during this intensely awkward transaction.

Happy New Year, Adam!

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Marathon Man: Another Update

Posted in Uncategorized on December 4, 2013 by Jeans

Today I felt that it was time to respond to Marathon Man because too much time had passed.

After two dates I thought it would be appropriate to text him:

“Hey, MM!  IT’s been nice hanging out with you, but I’m not sure I feel the right connection.  I’m sorry.”

I sent this at 3:31pm.

It is now 10:04pm and no response.

The texting world is very weird isn’t it?  It buys you time to respond, rather having to have a response at the moment something is said to you, such as over the phone.

I’m curious what his response will be, if I get one.

I’m not holding my breath.

Hey, Adam, I like to fish, too!  And I like beers in cuzis, too.

Screen shot 2013-12-03 at 10.06.13 PM

Marathon Man: Update

Posted in Uncategorized on December 3, 2013 by Jeans

Marathon Man has been trying.  I commend him for that.

After the last date, Marathon Man wanted to come over the next night and I told him I couldn’t do it.

Then, he tried to plan a date for the week after, on Saturday.  This happened to be the same night that HC invited me to go out to meet his sister.

The night before I told him, ‘Hey, I’m sorry, I can’t do tomorrow anymore.  Maybe we can shoot for after the holiday?”

MM:  Oh. What happened?

I didn’t respond at first because I thought that was a weird question.  After nine hours I finally responded, late on Friday night.

Me:  What do you mean what happened?

MM:  (Next day) I was looking forward to seeing you tonight and wondered why you can’t.  (Well why didn’t you ask that then?)  Let me know if you want to get together after Thanksgiving.

I didn’t respond.  I felt terrible for not responding.

On, over a week later, Sunday, MM wrote, “Hi ____, hope you had a great Thanksgiving!  I’m on my way to the gym to work off the weekend.  Haha.”

This is interesting.  He didn’t ask me anything, just made some comments, so I didn’t write back for a while.

Me:  Hey MM!  Mine was great!  Hope youres was too!

MM:  Good to hear.  Mine was too – we had 28 people!  You free later this week?  Somehow my Thu-Sun is not booked yet.

This last text was sent last night.

Ok, now what?   If someone wasn’t interested in dating you, how would you want to know?

Adam.  Baby.  I don’t know if I like that mustard yellow on you, Honey.

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Holden Caulfield: The Fourth Encounter

Posted in Uncategorized on December 1, 2013 by Jeans

Holden Caulfield invited me out last Saturday night because his sister, Phoebe Caulfield, was going to be in town from Connecticut.

I went along with agreeing to the invitation but I wasn’t sure how sincere he was and if there would be follow through.  There wasn’t really any reason to think that he wouldn’t follow through.  It’s just that sometimes, with some men (or people, in general) I wonder if they are being sincere.

There was follow through.

We texted during the day on Saturday and then he told me they’d be meeting at a lounge in SoHo.

I got there a bit before 10pm and HC was there with Phoebe and his good friend, Stradlater.

Phoebe and I made the usual small talk and, seemingly, we were just hanging out at the bar.  Phoebe was warm, friendly, and sweet and pretty.

HC says to me, “I told you I have some older friends.  Stradlater is 34.  We met a few years ago through work and became good friends.”

I know you can’t read the tone but, typically, HC delivers things in a very appropriate and sensitive way.  He is considerate of me and my feelings.

As the four of us are sitting there, Phoebe and Stradlater start looking for other chairs, because apparently more people are coming.

HC turns to me, “Thanks so much for coming out, it’s going to be a chill night.”  And I can’t help but wonder what that meant.  Fun?  Cool?  Relaxed?

I have a feeling that he meant it would be low-key and relaxed and I was really glad it was going to be because I know that HC likes to go out and have fun.

More and more people started to show up.  Phoebe and Stradlater had secretly planned a birthday party for him that night.

This was not going to be a low-key night.  We were on our way to Marquee.


Holden Caulfield ordered us a Suburban through Uber, his favorite app.  The Suburban arrived and some of us piled into it and we were off to Marquee.  In total, about 20 of us were going.

I’ve been to clubs in my youth and have met people who have been kind to me at doors at various lounges and clubs, but for some reason, I had never been to Marquee.  I guess that was about to change tonight!

We got to Marquee and the sidewalk outside was packed.  The first thing I thought was, “J___ H___ does not wait in lines at clubs or bars.”  And I don’t.

So, it was a good thing that Holden Caulfield made a phone call when we arrived because someone came out to get us and we walked right in.  No waiting.  Since I’d never been there, HC told Phoebe to guide me to their spot.  Phoebe grabbed my hand and led me into the club, up the stairs and to their table at the balcony.

HC took my jacket and put it in their spot and jumped up on the couches at the table and held his hand out for mine. I grabbed his hand and jumped up there with him.

The DJs were spinning on the stage below, the music was pumping, and drinks were poured.  I had a bottomless glass of champagne and HC and I danced on the couches as the bouncers stood over our tables.  HC hung out with me the whole night, even though all his friends had come out for him, it was like it was just us there, together.

Once in a while, we would wave over to Phoebe and her boyfriend who were dancing on a couch, two couches over.

At one point, I needed to use the restroom so HC called over one of the bouncers and the bouncer led me to the one-room restroom and let me cut the line that went down the hall and down the stairs.  I ignored the terrible glares I got from all the full-bladdered girls standing in that line.

After a few hours, I looked at my watch and it was past 3am and I needed to get home.  So, Holden Caulfield and I both said our goodbyes to everyone there because the party was still going strong.  HC insisted on making sure I got home safely.

As we were walking down the steps, I told HC that I thought he should stay with his friends, since, afterall, it was his birthday party.  There was a little back and forth, and a lot of hesitation and resistance from HC, and I finally convinced him to stay.

I went outside, caught a taxi, and made it home safely and “early.”

Holden Caulfield texted me all along the way to make sure I got home safely and was in bed safe and sound.

Later on, he told me Phoebe was really happy to see that he went back to the party.

I was glad.

What are you thinking about Adam?

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AJ: First Date

Posted in Uncategorized on November 26, 2013 by Jeans

AJ and I set a date to grab a drink after work almost two weeks in advance.  He works by where I live, so that worked out well.

There was so much time until we actually met that I squeezed in seeing Holden Caulfield twice before I met AJ for drinks.

The dreaded day came and I contemplated canceling many, many times because I just knew I was not attracted to AJ and that it wouldn’t work.

So, the day before I didn’t hear from AJ.  I wondered if he forgot.  Then, that morning, I still didn’t hear from him, and I finally heard from him around 2pm. (There was some on and off texting before but nothing at all interesting.)

AJ:  How does 7.15/7.30 suit at stag.

[I attribute his use of periods for colons to his Australian-ness, along with his use of “suit”.  I think there was a typo in there, too.)

Me:  Hey, AJ!  Yeah that works!

AJ: [a little later] 7.30 would be great.

Me:  Ok, sure.  See you then.

Before I met AJ, Holden Caulfield contacted me and we texted for a bit.  He had just gone shopping and wanted to me to go over so he could show me his new snowboarding gear.

Yes!  This was my perfect exit plan.

I got to Stag’s Head before AJ arrived and got a little table upstairs.  AJ arrived — it was brutally cold and windy that day.  He was sniffling up a storm when he sat down, which I found to be a little annoying because I just wanted him to excuse himself and go blow his nose, but he insisted on sitting there, sniffling and sniffling.

I told him immediately that I had to leave to go “meet my friends” downtown at 9:30.  I told him this because I didn’t think it would be a nice thing to do to actually be honest about going to see a different guy that I’m interested in.  He says, “Oh, I live downtown, where are you going?”  I had to make up something and I really don’t like lying.

But, I wanted to give AJ a chance, so I didn’t cancel and came out to meet him.

It wasn’t a terrible date.  By any means.  I think we had great conversation and I think he thought we did too.  The main topic of conversation was about his life as an investment banker.  Having lived in the City for 10 years+, I have gone on many dates with investment bankers.

AJ insisted on changing the subject because he thought the topic was incredibly boring, but I think it’s interesting and I really wanted to hear more about what investment bankers do hour by hour, minute by minute.

He had some great stories and painted a good picture of the job.

Then, we started talking more about Australia, since I had the great opportunity of traveling there two years ago and have some relatives that live there, as well.

But, alas, our time came to an end and I had to go see HC’s new snowboarding gear.

AJ hailed a taxi for me and he was on his way to visit a friend who’s wife was traveling and was enjoying some “freedom.”

Before I got to HC’s, I picked up a pack of Stella Artois.  That’s the Korean in me, I just can’t show up to someone’s place empty-handed.

I got to HC’s, presented him with the beer, and he says, “Perfect!  Check it out.  (Opens the fridge, and there is another pack and a half of Stella in there and just about the only thing in the fridge.)”

Holden Caulfield showed me his gear.  Apparently he is a really good snowboarder and not afraid to tell me.  And that highlights an interesting thing about a lot of men.  Sometimes they are not afraid to let you know they are good at some things.  Ego.

But, at the same time, I found this self-confidence to be attractive, especially when HC delivers it well, with his amusing charm.

He made me try on his new goggles:



See?  I don’t make this s**t up.

I didn’t stay long.   But it was fun.

Aww, look at Adam Scott with his bud Jason Day!

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Holden Caulfield: Second Date (?)

Posted in Uncategorized on November 19, 2013 by Jeans

Last Friday night Holden Caulfield invited me to go to a Rutgers University football game on Saturday.  He said he needed to pick some things up at his dad’s house then we could head to the game.

Me:  We’re going to your dad’s house?  Does that mean I’ll meet your dad and step-mom? . . . (I felt very hesitant about this. . . )

HC:  Well, they probably won’t be home.  It shouldn’t be a problem.

. . .

. . .

He is right, it’s not a big deal but not something I expected to do the second time I hang out with HC.

It a bit of a last minute invitation and had some things planned for my Saturday so after some thinking I decided to go.  Why not?

He went out for a friend’s birthday on Friday night so he asked me to give him a wake-up call a half hour before I was going to meet him.

He offered to pick me up again, then drive into NJ.  I reassured him I could make my way over to his apartment early in the morning (9:30am).  But, I did think it was sweet that he offered to pick me up.  I just thought it didn’t make sense logistically.  (See?  I can be very sensible.  The guy I dated over the summer told me this all the time.)

The next morning I was obedient and called him at 9am.  He was still sleeping and my call woke him up.

I got to his place.  This is the place he told me he was moving into, a couple of entries ago.

Total bachelor pad.  Probably about half the size of my apartment and my apartment is 700 sq ft.  Not all moved in, stuff still in boxes.  Two large TVs mounted on the walls of his living room and bedroom.  Half of a sectional, a partial delivery.  (I take a deep breath)

So I thought to myself:  “Ok, I’m going to be open-minded.  Afterall, didn’t I offer to help him decorate?”

I couldn’t help but note the 10 year age difference in many instances.  While I was sitting in HC’s apartment, he showed me some things like his TV and some other electronic gadgets.

HC:  [as he shows me. . . ]  That’s so chill isn’t it?

Me: Yeah.  [Very emphatically, nodding my head, even though I have no idea what exactly “chill” is slang for.  Is it “cool”?]

Additionally, I looked at what he was wearing and he is definitely of the next generation:  his jeans were tighter than guys in my generation.  A tell-tale sign.

Later in the conversation at his place. . .

HC:  What time did you get up this morning?

Me:  Early.  Like 7:30.

HC:  Oh.  Like old people get up early.  [Smiling at me]

First old joke of the day.  Zing!

Siiiigh.  This is going to be a long day.  Plus, I wasn’t feeling completely recovered from the cold I came down with the day we went out for our first date.

On the car ride into NJ, we talked about a bunch of things.  Family, etc.  It came up that his dad is a guitarist.  (Wow, cool!)  But, he also has a family busy.  (Also, cool.  Wait, I mean so chill. . . )

He asked me if I played any music.

Of course.  I’m Korean American:  the piano.  I can strum the guitar.  Then, I reciprocated the question.

HC:  I play a little of this and that.  I played a little clarinet.  I little of other things.

He told me more about his dad.  How he traveled the world, touring for his band, and how HC went to different countries to see his dad’s band play.

This sparked my curiosity. . .

Me:  So, what band is your dad in?  [Inquisitively.  And I am scouring my brain to think of NJ bands that are popular enough to tour the world and would be in his dad’s age bracket — Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street band?  Bon Jovi?  Nah, they are too young.  No others come to mind.]

HC:  He was in a band called the ____.  They played at Clinton’s inaugural balls, here, here’s what they sound like.

And they are blues cover songs and music but it is good.  I’m still impressed.  I love musicians.

. . .

As we drove into NJ, HC was a great tour guide.  He drove through Rutgers, wait, New Brunswick (right?), and showed me things.  The places he lived while he was in college, old bars he used to hang out with.  So, so sweet.  I love those things.  Nostalgia.  I can tell HC is a sentimental person and I definitely appreciate that because I am too.

We stopped at a cute breakfast place he used to love in college and had a quick bite to eat.  We parked in his usual spot and had to walk about a bit to the stadium.  He told me we had to walk into the next town.  Parsippany?  P_____?  Not sure.

It was a bit of a walk, but it was such a nice fall day, I didn’t mind.

HC bought some tickets off some scalpers and we were all set to watch the game.

HC:  Did you know that Rutgers is the birthplace of college football?

Me:  No, I didn’t!

HC:  Yeah, they even have a place where it says it in the stadium.  [Ok, if you say so.  And indeed, it is true.  They have those exact words painted in the stadium.]

On the walk over to the stadium, HC was an incredible gentlemen.  We had to walk closely along the side of the road and he quickly made sure I was on the inside.  All through the day, HC made sure the temperature was right for me in the car, that I had enough water, that I wasn’t hungry or needed a coffee.

As we were walking, he looked over at me, took a deep breath, exhaled, and raised his eyebrows,  and said, “It’s going to be a long game.  You got your Depends on?”

Sigh.  Second old joke.  But don’t worry, HC makes jokes about how young he is too as he tells me about his college town and says it was just last year these things happened.  [OMG please don’t tell me it was last year! — Don’t worry, it wasn’t last year]

Me:  It’s a good thing you have good delivery.  Otherwise, your ‘old’ jokes would suck.

We found our seats and HC asked me if I brought my shades.  I told him I left them at my sister’s and didn’t have them on me so he insisted I wear his.  Especially since the scoreboard was in front of the sun.

Me:  No no no, you wear them!  It’s ok.  I can deal.

HC:  No, it’s ok!  I have thick eyebrows.  [That made me smile]

There was a little bit of back and forth.

Periodically, I tried to give back his sunglasses and he always refused.  Later, the sun hid behind the clouds and I gave back his sunglasses and he accepted.  Then, the sun came back out and he immediately made me wear his sunglasses again.

It was 4 minutes until halftime and the Scarlet Knights were very badly losing (38-7) so HC wanted to get outta there.

We split.  Got to his car then headed to his dad’s house to pick up some things.

We got there and there was no one home.  Thank God.  Holden Caulfield showed me around.  Showed me the expansion they did, the deck he helped install.  I love these things.

HC got me a water and we had a seat in the living room.  Since his dad is a guitar player so there are a ton of nice guitars around.

HC picked up a guitar and started jamming on it.  He’s a great guitar player.

Me:  Why didn’t you list ‘guitar’ as one of the instruments you play?!

HC shrugs his shoulders.  Smiled.

He keeps jamming and jamming and I can’t help but fantasize about singing to songs he is playing on the guitar.  But, I didn’t say anything about my love for singing because I was afraid he’d put me on the spot.  But I suppose I could have brought it on.  No, I know I could have.

Eventually, his step mom came home.  We shook hands, blah blah.  She was a really nice woman.

Then, his dad comes home and he looks like an older version of HC.  And I couldn’t help but think that they are looking at me and thinking, “Why is this old girl interested in our son??”

His dad was really nice.  Started immediately playing the guitar too.  I thought that was so sweet.

And eventually, HC got the things he came for.  And showed me the basement where the band practices.  It’s like paradise.  I would love to sing with their band and rock out with them.

We left the house and said our salutations and pleasantries.

As we drove back, we were clearly tired.  HC — because he didn’t sleep much last night and me, because I am feeling under the weather.  I fell asleep in the car for a few minutes and he sweetly encouraged me to sleep more.  I can’t help but fall asleep in moving vehicles.  My brother likes to tease me about that.

We got back into the City and Holden Caulfield was trying to think of the best way to drop me off at home but he was in a rush to meet his friend back at his place and eventually his dad and step-mom because they were going to a concert.  (He goes to concerts with his dad :))

I told him not to worry about me that I’d make my way back home from his place via subway.  That is normal, after all, but I appreciate his gesture of taking me home.

We arrived at his place.  We got out the car.  His friend had driven up right behind us.  We gave each other a kiss on the cheek and I went home.

When I got out of the subway, I got this text from HC:  “:) 🙂 🙂 :)”

I got home and felt terribly lonely.  HC is 10 years younger than me.  This will never work out.  And I couldn’t help but cry a little about it.

. . .

. . .

I’m just going to pretend I am this glass globe:

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